Monday, 22 July 2013

Am I the Only One Who Doesn't Care?

Wow! The birth of the Royal Baby: I am ever so excited! I wonder what it will be called – because, of course, the baby’s name will be a significant difference to my life and my future as a subject of the United Kingdom. And will it be a boy or a girl? The Royal Family does so much to affect our lives, I can’t imagine what this baby will change in my life while it is breastfeeding! I’ve even been watching the live feed on The Guardian website, as I am so keen to find out the exact moment of Kate’s contractions.

What has the world come to? I have truly lost my faith in humanity. It is unbelievably embarrassing for these people. My father, a complete patriot, always enjoys this sort of thing, and has been giving me hourly updates on ‘The Great Kate Wait’ – I couldn’t care less. How will the baby’s name make any difference to anybody? And why do people want to know how much time passes between Kate’s contractions? It just seems silly! But it gets worse: I have heard of plans for Royal Baby parties. Many of you will say I’m ignorant, and that this is the birth of the future sovereign, but to me, that makes no difference. There are hundreds of reporters outside Kate’s ward scrounging on snippets of information they are given. How this birth can occupy the media I do not know. The recent earthquake in China went almost unnoticed because of the occupation of the media by a baby that hasn’t even been born yet. More than one hundred people died, overlooked by almost our whole country.

And he has been born - whoop whoop! I still don’t care! But in all seriousness, it's great that Will and Kate have had a healthy child - a life is a life.


  1. You will be pleased to hear, Tom, that there are plenty of people on this side of the family who don't give a toss either! Cricks and Pearces, I mean. And yes, it's all a bit depressing really. I agree there are other more pressing concerns in my life and in public life in general. Heigh ho!

  2. 94 now confirmed dead in China earthquake